I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
