I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
