You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
