Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
