i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
