How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The air taste purple.
Randomize
