It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
