when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
