Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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