We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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