your parents love me but you hate me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
