a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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