This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
