Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
