So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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