the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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