I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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