its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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