i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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