Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Houston, we have a blender
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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