I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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