i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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