im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
