I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
