Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
