"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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