if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
