I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
