Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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