There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
