hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
