Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
