Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
