If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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