my vag is so smooth its legendary
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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