he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
