I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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