Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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