I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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