All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
