Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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