We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
