how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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