I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
