I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
