Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
