Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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