i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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