The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
