When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i was born a porn star she said
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
