There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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