All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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